Pepper's little farm
by Ms.Cerisier
Summary: 'Oh my God Tony! Is that a cow' 'This was not the worse you have seen me doing Pep' . Spoilers for AAoU.


**Pepper's Little Farm.**

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A/n: I could not see AoU in English, I've seen it twice in Spanish so I am sorry if the jokes felt flat in English. Bear in mind that also English is my second language and I am without a beta, so I will appreciate your constructive comments.

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When he said that he would buy/build — _whatever—_ Pepper a farm — _more awesome than Barton's 'course—_ he did not know it would be this _freaking_ difficult.

Not the actual land acquiring or the construction of the farmhouse and the barn — _contractors were awesome, easier and quicker than him trying to repeat his sting as architect/construction worker—_ because it was the part that was easy.

He just did not expect animals.

JARVIS — _after several days without sleep and Vision's help—_ was still adjusting to his new protocols and the damage left by his little brother, so he had to rely in FRIDAY about the specifics of owning a farm.

He still wondering why his AIs liked screwing him, yet he actually preferred another round with the Big Guy before he asked Clint — _the asshole would never let it go—_ , so FRIDAY was it.

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'Are you sure farms requires animals?' Tony asked for the eleventh time in five minutes.

'You could try agriculture sir'

'Ew, nope…time consuming and not fast enough to show Pepper how amazing a farm is' Tony said.

'Yes sir'

'Did you just blow me off?'

'Of course not Sir' FRIDAY answered, Tony just rolled his eyes.

'Ok -Number-Two, I want goats, ducks, chickens and maybe a cow…not pigs because I still have nightmares the 95's PR disaster at that pet farm' Tony still shuddered when he remembered about that particular event and the not so sexy pig wrestling.

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So now he had a weird mix between a Dairy and Poultry farm — _it suited him, just eccentric like him—_ with two goats, five hens and a crazy rooster that did not seem to understand that his fabulous armor was not for sleeping, a cow and a small — _herd? More like army? He needed to ask JARVIS—_ of ducks following around — _they were worse than DUM-E and U._

He had to spend a good part of the day trying to coax the chickens to sleep in the barns instead on his armor, and the ducks to stay in the barn too instead of following around.

Also he named the goats, one was named Hammer because it was a dick and ate a good pair of expensive leather shoes and its friend was stuck with Ivan for helping. After the debacle and failing the negotiations with the chickens he had to send his armor to decontaminate, the stupid cock left a rather disgusting surprise in his helmet, maybe he would name the rooster Senator just for that.

'You are a cow, you can't expect to sleep on my armor too' he said sternly at the mammal after its second attempt to follow its little friends.

Really, he just wanted a safe place for Pepper, he did not expect to deal with crazy animals — _Mrs. Agent must be more badass that birdbrain if she could control three kids, Barton and maintaining a farm._

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Tony was feeding the cow — _now named DUM-E-THE-2_ _ND_ _—_ when Pepper finally found him, Tony was expecting her before, but in Pepper's defense she was in business trade in the other half of the world.

'Oh my God Tony! Is that a cow!?'

'This was not the worse you have seen me doing Pep'

'And that phrase is not an excuse for every time you make something outrageous' Pepper chastised him 'Tony! I left you alone you for two weeks and you built JARVIS an evil little brother that almost kill him, then after all like you didn't learn the lesson went and build another that has JARVIS voice and handed him a weapon of mass destruction…'

'For the record it was Ultron whom…'

'…Oh but you did not stop there, I have to go for a couple of days — _for your company let me tell you—_ thinking that you can act like the adult you are, only to return and found out that you disappeared God-know-where and found you here doing I do not what with a cow'

'I was feeding her' Tony said defensibly, the cow licked his face for his efforts.

'Do you want to kill me with worry, Tony?' Pepper asked ignoring the last comment.

'I am sorry Pep, I just want to give you a surprise' He said apologetic while cleaning his hands in his jeans.

'What surprise? And what does it have to do with a cow in the middle of nowhere?' Pepper refused to touch and _it was rude Pep._

'A farm Pepper! A Pepper's little farm!'

'I think I need a drink'

'Just listen, a little getaway where nobody could found us…'

'Tony no'

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Pepper made him compromise, she would choose the place for a little house and he would left the idea of a farm —' _seriously Tony, why a farm?'—_ and return the animals. It was a heartbreaking goodbye, the ducks were all sad and Senator was upset to lost his favorite nap place, Tony would not miss Hammer and Ivan — _'The dicks! they ate my shoes!'—_ But DUM-E-THE-2ND was a nice girl.

There might be tears, but anyone would never know.

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'Dude, Did Tony just gift you a farm?' Clint asked when he read over Rhodey's shoulder at the paper in the other's hand.

'Yeah I have no idea why he thought that I would want one'

Steve spit his coffee while he tried to not laugh.


End file.
